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Archive for the ‘eating’ Category

“Mommy?”
“Hmm?”
“Mommy!”

“What, Patrick, what?”

“Stop reading and talk to me.”

“OK. Book is closed.”
“If I was a dog I’d go, ‘woof-woof’?”
“Yes. Approximately.”

“And if I was a cat, I’d go, “meow-meow’?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“But what if I were a rock?”

“Rocks don’t make their own sounds, honey.”

“But when I throw it, it makes a sound!”

“That’s because it hit something else. Rocks aren’t alive.”

“Oh. So dogs and cats and us are alive.”

“Yes.”

“Are rocks alive?”

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“Rocks don’t grow.”

“They don’t?”

“No. And rocks don’t feel anything.”

“Do flowers feel?”

“I think we’re trying to find out. Scientists, that is.”

“Flowers are alive.”

“Yes.”

“And carrots?”

“Plants are alive until we pull them off the trees or out of the ground.”

“Is dirt alive?

“No. Dirt’s just ground-up rocks.”

“I’m confoozled.”

“When you are bigger and in school longer, you will learn all about it.”

“OK. It’s OK to eat carrots?”

“Every living being has to eat to stay alive, so, yes, it’s OK.”

“Would a tiger eat me?”

“If it was hungry and could catch you, yes!”

“I would run and run!”

“It would be better to be far away from a tiger.”

“I saw a cat outside eat its babies!”

“What! When?”

“Today! They were tiny!”

“Oh, honey. I’m sorry. Sometimes that happens.”

“You won’t eat me, will you?”

“No! Oh, no wonder! Believe me, I would never eat you! I love you!”

“You do?”

“Yes!”

“OK. That’s very good.”

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“Here, have one.”

“Looks funny. Funny weird.”

“Don’t worry about that, just try it.”

“You take me for your baking guinea pig?”

“Then think of it as an adventure!”

“So I’m Alice?”

“Exactly. ‘Eat me!’”

“This is a lump. If this looked remotely appetizing or if it was a recognizable pastry…”

“Will you just eat it?!”

“What’ll happen if I do?”

“You’ll escape a bop on the nose for a start.”

“You wouldn’t hit me for not eating… whatever this is, would you?”

“I guarantee it’s really tasty. You’ll feel better in a few minutes.”

“Why? Wait. There’s something illegal in here.

“You don’t trust me?”

“No.”

“If it will assuage you, I’ll have one too.”

“You’re breaking out the SAT words? Uh-oh. You’ve gobbled down more suspect things…”

“Apples, cinnamon,  nutmeg and sugar.  See? Apples. I’m your sister, Pen. Whatever I do, I would never purposely hurt you. It’s a cobbler.”

“Just a cobbler.”

“A cobbler.”

“Without any substances of an illicit nature anywhere within? You haven’t got a camera hidden in this kitchen? I’m not going to find a video of myself rocking back and forth, drooling and babbling incoherently about François Arnaud on YouTube with my underwear on my head?”

“Oho! You need to give yourself permission to let loose, chica! Although he is a hot number, isn’t he?”

“Answer my questions.”

“Why don’t you just eat it and find out for yourself? Go on, try!”

“Look at you. John Tenniel couldn’t draw any better.”

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OK, I’m thinking, like, if I stay cold, I’ll burn more calories, right? Right? Because, like, the fat underneath my skin, oh wait, no, that’s wrong, because the fat under my skin will keep my organs warm. Right, that’s why I get fatter in the winter.

Or it could be because I start eating like Grendel in that book in October and don’t let up until the middle of March. It’s all starchy stuff, like potatoes and pasta. My grandma eats like that. Well, she used to eat like that. Then she got diabetes. She eats a lot of vegetables now.

I’d eat vegetables more often except I don’t like them. I mean, have you ever smelled Brussels sprouts? Isn’t it just nasty? I mean, like, oh, my god, how am I supposed to eat something like that? I’ll bet it tastes nasty, too. Why can’t everything taste like bacon cheddar cheeseburgers?

Mom says that hamburger’s getting so expensive now, and until Dad finds a job, we’re going to eat a lot of spaghetti. We used to go out on Friday or Saturday night for dinner at Olive Garden, but it’s too much money. It totally sucks. Mom needs whatever extra for gas to get to work.

I thought they’d fight more, but they don’t. They just don’t talk. I don’t know if it’s because they’re too angry at each other or they’re just too tired to fight. I’m going to start babysitting. You can eat while you’re babysitting, right?

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